just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
