he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
