I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize