why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
two words...techno handjob
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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