Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Four minutes until I can fart!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I need to calm my uterus...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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