just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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