woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
