i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
