I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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