so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
