Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
