dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
