you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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