He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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