So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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