Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Alive.
So much puke
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
