Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
