i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
