I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
