We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
