the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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