I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
