I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just come out here and I will go home with you...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
