Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
