dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
