where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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