true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
