I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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