I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
