Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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