Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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