that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
