I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
