Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
