im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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