I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
