The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
