are you so shy because you have an std?
home. puking in laundry basket.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You have to summon your inner elephant
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
