I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
