my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
