I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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