so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The uberlube is also flammable
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
