No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
