Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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