his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
