she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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