Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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