Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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