He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
