no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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