I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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