why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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