Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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