So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
