Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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