ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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