The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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